Today was Juice Fiesta Day 37 – and marks the exact amount of time I fasted/cleansed for in 2009. And I AM going further- but now i see why I only got this far before. Spent last night in tears, so much coming out of me..every day on the journey = 4 months back in time thru my life and some things have just been beyond painful to experience. Every minute of every day its like being in a zendo, in a sesshin, in a meditation with myself. There’s nothing to distract or comfort me – everything has to be faced. It is The Hero’s Journey – and sometimes, its easy, and then all of a sudden I cant STAND the taste of any juice, I feel nauseated, weak, and want to run away from myself – BUT I CANT! I am committed to the experience, but I want it to be over. I spent 70% of tonights salvation of Yoga class…thinking about food I love. Food I ate at the time I have regressed into my life’s history, oddly enough.
Sometimes I feel calm, or even elated and full of energy, and then all of a sudden I am ALL emotion – crying over something so little. and it begs the question – what ARE me MADE of? What is the REAL me? I remember a spiritual teacher I studied with saying that we heal in circles, deeper and deeper each time we face ourselves, and our stories. Things I THOUGHT i was DONE with, still coming up as a wound in my spirit. How many tears do we need to cry to be done with something? Is it because a part of me is still holding on to something? Maybe I haven’t forgiven someone. maybe I haven’t forgiven Myself. I am RAW. And willing to share this with you – because maybe my Bravery will shed some light on your own suffering. The Buddha said that Life is Suffering. I dont think he meant all of life – but that to be human, you will suffer. You just will. And I know we all do. We all have ideas about all kinds of things. And then they dont always mesh with other peoples ideas, and at the core – at the HEART of it all – you know what we ALL want. Is to Be LOVED. and to LOVE.